NOTE: The language barrier needs to be taken out of the boards. Too confusing! For the sake of our project, let's assume that the tribesmen speak broken English.
MOKARITA and TAHAMA lead ALEX and NADIA to the entrance of a waterfall. Nadia looks up at the waterfall and shrugs. Alex looks up at the waterfall excited. Mokarita looks over at Alex and Nadia and touches the rocks behind him.
MOKARITA: Climb.
NADIA gets closer to ALEX, ducking behind him.
NADIA: Alex, I don't think I can do this...
Alex readjusts himself. He checks to see that everything is secure on him, including his flute. EMPHASIS on flute.
ALEX: Do what?
NADIA: I can't climb... I can't do it.
Alex pulls a rope from his side.
ALEX: Nadia, check it out. We can tie this rope together and I'll guide you. If you fall, then I fall too. See?
NADIA: Sigh... nevermind, Alex.
Nadia, agitated, walks over to Mokarita hoping to reason with him.
NADIA: Listen, Mokarita... I don't think I can do this.
MOKARITA: Hmm? What do you mean?
NADIA: I can't... I just can't.
MOKARITA: There's no time for fear, child.
NADIA: I can't!
MOKARITA: No! We must go forward! Tahama!
Tahama grabs Nadia by the hair and drags her toward the waterfall. Alex notices and runs over.
ALEX: Hey! Hey! Let her go!
Tahama ignores Alex.
ALEX: You heard me!
Alex grabs at Tahama. Tahama pushes Alex to the ground with his arm. Alex lands, and his flute falls from his pocket. He grabs the flute and in a last ditch effort plays the flute to get the tribesmen's attention. Tahama and Mokarita stop in their tracks and look back at Alex. Tahama drops Nadia.
ALEX: Now... everyone just relax.
Mokarita and Tahama stare at Alex for some time. Nadia runs over to Alex and grabs the rope. She starts to fasten it.
NADIA: If I drop, you drop. Deal.
I like that you used the flute in this scene almost exactly in a way that teachers would use whistles to stop a fight. I think it's an important element that you can play out also.
ReplyDeleteYou probably already thought of this (from what you scripted out, that's what I'm already starting to feel), the height of the emotion is coming from all the drama and interaction between the Indians and the children. You can use the quick cuts that was suggested for Jay's boards to help play up all the chaotic things that are happening in this part of the story and when you hear the flute being blown (like a whistle, not sure playing it softly would work to convey the mood the best, play around with it). If you decided to do it this way, keep in mind that you NEED to have a breather after all the action, think of it as a pause to readjust your footing after loosing your grip (This is where you can also show the shift in power in Alex's favor) allowing Alex to "talk on top of his soapbox". Actually, I'm not sure you even need him to say "STOP!". Just having the flute blown shrilly might work and already conveys a mood to stop all the chaos that is going on. It could be as simple as him blowing on it causing the Indians to stop what they are doing, all the attention is at Alex now, he goes over to Nadia. Meanwhile, Nadia (maybe she still has tears falling?) is still crying, a hand comes into the scene (a top down view of Nadia crying maybe?), she notices, looks up at Alex (Goes into her point of view: dramatic heroic lighting, haha). In her viewpoint, Alex's hand is stretched out with rope in hand. Alex: "I'll guide you." (Or something like that, you want him to say something to convey that reassurance in trusting Alex. It's possible not to say anything, but I think since we're dealing with a 12 year old already in fits of tears, a voice would help hit the message across) (Think of the first time Aladdin holds out Jasmine near the beginning of the movie and says, "Do you trust me?") Nadia wipes away her tears, sniffs, takes his hand (showing her trust in him, however you decide to board this part, it is IMPORTANT to show this interaction between the two) if you still want to, you can still have her show a little bit of her personality as her grabs the rope from Alex's hand and say that last line.
Nadia: If I drop, you drop.
(Grabs Alex's hand with the rope.)
Alex: Deal
By this point you already know she is going to climb so you don't have to show her fastening the rope around her waist.
DeleteJudging from this script, there are two main points, one is that Alex decides to finally grow a pair, but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT, Nadia starts to put her faith/trust in Alex. Knowing the main point and the sub-point will help you keep on track as things move along in the project and more fixes are applied later.
Just going over what you already have in the script:
They arrive at the base of the waterfall.
Everyone is getting ready for the big climb up except Nadia. The interaction between Nadia her internal fear of heights with the dominating height of the waterfall, she gets nervous, you start to feel something is wrong.
She tries to find a way out of this situation at first by talking with Alex, Alex says his line (2 important "plants", the flute and a part of what he says which is hidden in this little exchange that will both be used again at the end of the scene).
Nadia dismisses Alex and goes find another way out by going to the Indians.
Mokarita gets upset by Nadia's silly childish fear of climbing the waterfall. (tension builds)
Calls Tahama over and he grabs Nadia trying to force her to climb (Tension builds even more, NOW there are no more options for Nadia. NO ESCAPE! She starts breaking down)
Alex notices and tries to stop Tahama but fails at first (BOILING POINT! Chaos, madness!)
In all the chaos that is happening, a sound of a flute is heard. (Tension stops, it doesn't subside, but stops, even the sound is dimmed to allow the sound of the flute to dominate)
Alex goes over to Nadia and reassures her again (All tension is gone now, the sun is coming out)
Nadia takes Alex's hand putting her trust in him now (Happiness, rainbows! lol)
End scene.
With this you have a feeling of:
slow (setting the scene with Nadia's fear of heights, and the build up as she tries to find a way out of the situation),
quick (Nadia in fits of tears, Indians tries to forces Nadia to climb, Alex tries to save her),
slow (flute is heard, Alex goes over to Nadia to comfort her, Nadia puts her trust in him)
Boy! That was a lot. Hope that helps! lol, I think it took over an hour to gather my thoughts together to type this out, haha.
Reading it again, I kind of think Nadia's voice shines out the most in this as well as Alex's voice in this part of the story. Either or both might work as the main view point you want to focus on. Either way, the MAIN conflict that arises here is Nadia and the Indians. The waterfall is here as literally a wall she has to jump over and Alex is mainly there to be the hero in the scene and help her get over that said wall(And in the process, grow a pair of balls).
DeleteI like how you kept the voice of the Indians where they aren't exactly bullies, but kind of. lol. They're more like strict drill instructors...if anything...haha
Mokarita feels like he has a quick temper, he kind of becomes that drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket...okay, not that extreme, but you get my point.
Tahama feels more like a bodyguard type in this version.
Nadia has more of a personality here, I still think of Luna Lovergood from Harry Potter...but if she was put into that situation. There might be a better reference for her, but I can't think of any better person atm.
Alex kind of reminds me of Neville Longbottom, also from Harry Potter, if anything. Where he grows over the series of books from a weak defenseless character to someone you would trust with the Sword of Gryffindor by the end of the last book (An important object in the book that only allows people with enough bravery in their soul to wield it)
I take that back, the Indians are like even stricter versions of Alex's grandma, Kate Cold.
DeleteHey Danny. This is GREAT feedback. I will definitely take this advice into account while plotting out these new boards.
ReplyDeletein my opinion,the rhythm is quite even, and I don't know where is the CLIMAX.
ReplyDelete-is the part Nadia acting silly and got hurt? or
-the part Alex want to save her by playing the flute?
either one, make it dramatic and out of expectation.
(not just think of making it longer i would say).
*For Nadia, instead of say "I can't" for 5 times. 2 to Alex, and 3 to Tahama. her "uncomforted feeling / rejection" need to be raise, or just make she expresses it in different ways.
*may be she can
a. (out of control, insult tahama?) say you joking me? I am not a ___(cave-man?) like you!I am not gonna climb this, just sit on the ground (or sth)
b. (being smart)I believe there is other path to get there, why can't we try, we not gonna make it! that is not fair to us!
c. (feeling weak and terrified )can't say a word, start crying? hands cover face, shaking head?
d. (wanna escape?) on her own ???
e. (very silly) she is hungry? what about my monkey lost!?
I guess just think of one reason to create duologue.
--------------------------------------------
*For the part Alex playing flute;
not quite sure how he can stop the tension by playing flute..
the sound / his play must be really dramatic. or terrible.
and what's the tribesmen's reaction/ feeling? any duologue? beside just accept the deal and walk away? (I just feel walk a way is not interesting, it brings down the audience's passion too.. it's like "ok, whatever", to me.)
*to EMPHASIS the flute. beside he CHECKS the flute, what about he drop it, and then he looks at it, tides it better, or reposition it to a more important/secure place?
*from the script, I imagine things are happening quite "straight" /"normal" / "clam". because there has no big change of emotion and mystery ?
I think you are trying to keep close to the original story? may be think outside of it, just think that, it's your new story for idea exploring.
I try to make my points straight forward and critical, so you can read it quick and spot the problem as much as possible.
I might not be right, but hope it helps you to explore and make it firm!
good and fast work, Mike!
for "Nadia got hurt" part, what about to exaggerate how tahama hurts her? and her reaction?
ReplyDeleteI think the flute part is the main focus / climax..may be can play with the part, how he drops his flute and get it back?
let me know what you think!
or may be when he wants to play it, he realizes he lost it???
ReplyDeleteHey ManYee, first off, thanks for the feedback! It's much appreciated. In retrospect, I should've been a lot more self-disciplined and I should've posted the script up immediately, but hey... coulda shoulda woulda by this point.
ReplyDeleteAnyway,
I like the emphasis on the flute. Some extra business will give the animators an opportunity to have fun with it, if they choose to do that shot.
As far as Nadia getting hurt, there are some creative ways to explore that, but keep in mind that for the sake of keeping with the book, the tribesmen are overly disciplinary if anything, not necessarily forceful and violent. Eventually, Alex is going to want to save Mokarita from mere death, and is going to work alongside Tahama as a chief, so the potential for friendship still has to be there.
Also, a note to Danny:
ReplyDeleteI like that we should push Nadia toward feeling victimized by Tahama. Her crying and basically depending on Alex to save her is great, but at the end of the scene let's make sure we still give her enough personal strength to collect herself and emotionally prepare to venture into her worst nightmare: her fear of heights.
I like this script a lot better than them climbing the waterfall. There is more interaction with the characters, and between Nadia and Alex, which seems to be what the teachers are looking for. I like Danny's suggestions, especially about the ending where she makes a deal with Alex. The part where Alex decides to play his flue, I think make it super clear with a change of expression to show he has an idea.
ReplyDelete